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The Buchtelite

Facebook’s inevitable fall is underway

By Russell Friend

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Facebook has jumped the Internet’s virtual shark, or in this case, they jumped the pretty red and blue trout thing from the game “Fish Farts.”

They’re as done as the Zips’ football season, and you could stick a fork in them if you had an account with “Second Life.” The site has been overrun by the old, the ignorant and the vain. With all of them come … the posts.

You know what I’m talking about. Old people, a.k.a. parents, love to post about such exciting things as cleaning a room, washing clothes and washing dishes.

They even post pictures of themselves cleaning deer. Do we really need this? It’s about as useless as the self-absorbed posters updating us with an incessant number of obnoxious pictures and dumb statuses.

Then there are the people who shouldn’t be allowed near a computer. Please, get off my web.

Parents, may I have a moment of your time? Great. Thank you. And thank you for putting down the mouse long enough to read this. I hate to break it to you, but the ’90s were over a long time ago, and they aren’t ever coming back.

Do you remember, way back in the ’90s, how many times you were angry with your parents for reminiscing about how amazing the ’70s were in front of your friends, who, at the time, were wearing the latest Nirvana, Pixies and Radiohead t-shirts? Well, now you’ve become your parents, but because of advances in technology, i.e. Al Gore’s Internet, we can’t simply walk out the door. We’ve been forced to find other ways to block out your retro-ference.

Songs like “We are Young,” by the band Fun prove that your meddling ways are having tragic results on the younger generation. No, Queen is not having a reunion. He’s dead. The Freddie’s dead.

However, you’re contaminating Facebook with a “Friends”-loving enthusiasm for all things mundane, and that is quite troubling. Yes, you’re acting just like Phoebe Buffay. Please stop it. You are the main driving force behind Facebook’s decline as a vapid, time-sucking entity. We left home to get away from you. If only Facebook had a parent group that would edit all of my posts for content, I might not be bailing on the site.

It’s tough to set up a party when your parents are looking at every post you make because you’re one of their few friends. You don’t want to upset them, but you’re now stuck in a virtual nest/prison. If only Facebook could filter our posts.

That way we could express ourselves without inadvertently upsetting them by posting about things like last weekend’s fraternity party — and no mom, I didn’t go to that party. I really did have a big organic chemistry exam to study for. Can I get a Like?

Facebook reflects the psyche of its members. This explains why the world is filled with so many morons. These members sincerely believe that everyone cares about the minutia of their insipid lives. They believe we want to see dozens of photographs of them mugging to their cell phone cameras, or that we care that today they’re happy, but last night they were sad. Really?

These members have an amazing ability to post large quantities of low quality, vanity shots. Cosplay models are the worst offenders, but they’re not the only ones. Most believe they’re supermodels and use their iPhone 4’s for all they’re worth, which, by the sheer number of grainy, low-grade pictures they’ve taken, isn’t very much.

Anyone with a Facebook account reading this has “friends” that should not be. Where did they come from and how did they become my friend? Finding the answer to this riddle is a Pulitzer-worthy endeavor. I wish Facebook offered a probation period for new friend requests and gave all users a way to painlessly remove people that we really don’t want to hang out with.

It’s another reason why I’ve removed the Facebook app from my cell phone and have greatly reduced my usage. It’s simply not worth the hassle. The fall of Facebook is well underway, and there’s no stopping its inevitable slide into the Internet’s graveyard. I believe it has already secured a plot next to MySpace.

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