Akron baseball: getting serious about silly

By Russell Friend

“The Akron Aeros” decided they needed a new name. They wanted a name that reflected the city’s vast history in… well… rubber, and they wanted it to reflect fun.

What enjoyable endeavors come to mind when one thinks of fun things to do involving rubber? No, they didn’t go with that. Please keep your minds out of the gutter – there are freshmen present.

Instead of clever, they went with camp, and that’s not all bad. May I introduce you to “The Akron RubberDucks.”

RubberDuckies, you’re the one. You make baseball lots of fun. There, I said it. It’s done. Let’s move on.

With the name comes the song, with the song comes the fun. It’s fun for everyone. Minor league beat writers can’t escape clichés. They drink them in as greedily as a thirsty dog with a bowl of water; their careers are built on a mountain of tired words.

This gives them yet another opportunity to plunder more silver from a goldmine of ideas. It’s sure to be an interesting season.

Imagine it’s the top of the ninth, two outs, and the bases are loaded. Those plucky, lucky ducks are clinging to a skinny one-run lead. They need to drop the hammer down and end this thing.

The coach slowly walks to the mound, spitting a wad of chew onto the infield grass along the way. He takes the ball from the reliever, and with the tap of a forearm signals to the bullpen to bring in Cory Burns, their closer.

The announcer plays a Liam Neeson-esque audio track announcing that it’s time to “Release the Quacken!” The jumbotron displays a giant rubber ducky, but this isn’t any ordinary rubber duck, this duck has a seriously bad

The stadium reverberates with the sounds of evil ducks, as if Samuel L. Jackson had been reincarnated as a foul fowl – and the crowd goes wild.

There are a lot of angles that can be played out with this move, and I hope the organization takes advantage of them. Perhaps they could give away free rubber duckies?

I’m not bringing up this brilliant idea because I miss my dearly departed friend, Captain Bobbly, but because the children will really love it. Think of the children. This has grandparents spoiling children written all over it, in a bold Arial font.

The Akron RubberDucks: Getting serious about silly.