Elvis: Listen, I love a good biopic more than anyone. Who doesn’t love a feel-good, rags-to-riches story? I have no interest in digging through the darker side of Elvis’s story and clearly, neither did director Baz Luhrman. So, what do you do when you want to shill a technically historically-based biopic? You rewrite a few minor details. Speaking of minors, no one cares if his first wife was 14 when meeting the 24-year-old famous rock star. Before you say that underage girls were more of a pattern than a preference for Elvis, just don’t think about it! 

Avatar: The Way of Water: If you don’t set aside the time to rewatch the first movie, you’ll be lost. Am I the only one who doesn’t remember a baby anywhere in the first Avatar? Regardless, I can’t help picturing all these award-winning actors yelling dramatic dialogue in what can only be described as a mechanical nightmare. Wires, green dots, and more spandex than you’d initially think. Maybe I’m just not one for three hours and 12 minutes of holding in my pee and fighting off computer-generated motion sickness. On the bright side, the Academy is addressing a film with clear themes of imperialism, militarism, racism, corporate greed, respecting nature, and genocide. Kind of like when Apache actress and activist, Sacheen Littlefeather, refused the Oscar for best actor at the request of the winner, Marlon Brando (because of the treatment of American Indians by the film and TV industry as well as protests at Wounded Knee in South Dakota). Just don’t think about her being booed off stage or blacklisted from the entertainment biz.  

Top Gun: Maverick: Out with the old and in with the repurposed old! It’s like recycling, except a paper cup lasts longer than the feeling of nostalgia that gets you through the first 30 minutes of this film. The only people asking for this stale sequel other than everyone’s dad are Scientologists.