Question: My roommate is always having sex with her boyfriend! I can hear them in her bedroom, in the shower, wherever—it is obnoxious. She says her boyfriend lives with his parents so they can’t do it at his place, but it is driving me crazy. Help!

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My roommate is always having sex with her boyfriend! I can hear them in her bedroom, in the shower, wherever—it is obnoxious. She says her boyfriend lives with his parents so they can’t do it at his place, but it is driving me crazy. Help!

Ah, one of the unique features of the college experience: overhearing other people having sex. Unfortunately, you are probably not going to get your roommate to stop doing it all together, and if you try, she is likely to argue that it is her living space, too. However, perhaps you can agree on some sort of compromise.

Approaching her and saying that her behavior is gross and annoying (even if it is) will likely just make her angry and defensive. However, you could make your annoyance more palatable by saying something like, I know that you and Joe really only feel comfortable having sex at our place, but I feel weird being around when it is happening, especially in such close quarters. I want you to be able to have your privacy—how can we work this out?

If she is open to working with you, you could suggest several different options for a compromise. For example, you can suggest that she and her boyfriend plan in advance when they want to be intimate and give you advanced notice so you can choose to leave if you would like. If it is possible, you can also tell them the times when you are not home (when you are in class, at work, etc.) and suggest they have their alone time then.

If the fact that she and her boyfriend are bumping uglies in common areas of your apartment really upsets you, you have a right to say something about this: I know it’s fun to have sex [on the couch/in the shower/on the kitchen table], but I feel uncomfortable being in those places knowing that is happening. Again, being as tactful as possible is better, even if you are afraid of taking a shower in a tub full of STDs.

She might agree to confine her intimacy to her own room; however, if she doesn’t, again, you might have to talk compromise. For example, if they choose to have sex in the shower, could they be sure to clean it out when they are done? If they want to have sex in the living room, maybe they could put down a sheet or a blanket (that is hers) first. If they want to have sex on any other surface, could they agree to clean that too? And do it when you are not home? And be more discreet about it?

Making sure that you are not specifically saying anything negative about your roommate or her boyfriend (You’re a slut, I don’t like him over here) will give you more credibility in your discussion, that is, if you are not upset with your roommate, only her behavior. Separating the behavior from the person is an important part of negotiating without hurting feelings.

Ultimately, you are not responsible for how your roommate responds to you. How she reacts and what she chooses to do with your concerns is up to her.

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