Surprise your partner with a fancy penis – dip it in glitter!  If it’s good enough for her (or his) body lotion, eye shadow and club wear, than it’s good enough for your man parts.  Besides, aren’t women and gay men attracted to shiny objects?

Place vampire teeth in your vagina.  I recommend using this move during heavy flow days.

Place strange sex toys — such as a rubber fist, leather mask, or a vibrator that is still plugged in and running — in plain sight.  If you’re really ambitious, place a long sock and a gerbil cage on your night stand.

Give your penis (or vagina) a name and use that name as much as possible.  For example: Mister Salty says you need to douche, but he can hold his breath long enough to get this done, or, What’s that Mister Salty? Not feeling well?  About to throw up?

Ask your partner if he/she would mind if you play a sexy movie in the background, and then put on one of the following (depending on your mood): Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Animal Planet, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals or The Golden Girls.

Once you’re finished having sex, casually say something like, I hadn’t really noticed it before, but you remind me of my mom/dad.

Ask if you can trace his penis to use as the basic shape for the hero of the children’s picture book you’re working on for class.

Handcuff your partner and tell him you’ve always wanted to try being the guy — it just took awhile to find a comfortable strap-on.

Have your webcam pointed straight at your bed.  After sex, hand your partner a copy of a DVD and tell him/her this is his/her copy to keep as a souvenir;  additional copies can be purchased for $5 each;  usually it’s $20, but this one wasn’t that good, so you’ll need to discount it.