“On this, the eve of Halloween (a.k.a. Mischief Night), I am ready to party like I’ve never partied in all my life – with fire, destruction, heavy metal music, etc. I’ve been preparing for this with hours and hours of horror movies and various televised Halloween specials from yesteryear.”
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On this, the eve of Halloween (a.k.a. Mischief Night), I am ready to party like I’ve never partied in all my life – with fire, destruction, heavy metal music, etc.

I’ve been preparing for this with hours and hours of horror movies and various televised Halloween specials from yesteryear. But I’ve noticed that a certain other popular holiday, which I will here after refer to as X-mas, has been steadily encroaching upon the world’s full-blown celebration of Samhain!

If you’ve been to any retail shop recently, you must have seen the warning signs.

In fact, I’ve heard recent reports that certain government buildings already have crappy X-mas décor set about their property! All I have to say is this: X-mas must be destroyed.

Look at your calendar and what does it read? Why, October, of course!

Now look out the window and catch a glimpse of the delightful autumn weather. The trees are ablaze with vibrant colors that create a striking contrast with the clear blue sky.

It’s totally awesome outside, and yet there are idiots who want to focus America’s attention on a day that falls in late December!

A day that celebrates sleigh rides, snowmen and the estimated date of birth of a fictional deity! Isn’t that just plain crazy?

It’s pretty obvious that this X-mas X-pansion nonsense all started in 2001 – right after all that terrorist stuff.

America went into a patriotic, capitalistic overdrive, and all of you proletariat fools decided that the best way to beat those terrorists was to celebrate the hell out of X-mas, more so than ever before.

That means more decorations, more spending, and more empty cheer. That didn’t work, and here we are, however many years later, and the beast known as X-mas continues to grow unabated.

Its hunger cannot be satiated by a one-month shopping spree! No!

Apparently, it now takes two months of intense shopping at Wal-Mart to feed the X-Mas Beast.

And yet, the appetite still grows. It has already swallowed Thanksgiving. Remember Thanksgiving?

It used to be a holiday that occurs on the final Thursday of November. But it has been assimilated by X-mas and it is now known as X-mas Junior.

On that final Thursday of November, families gather together to discuss what they will be buying at stores before X-mas arrives.

It’s basically X-mas practice. It used to be about the pilgrims, man.

What is it about Halloween that makes people want to stop it? I’ve heard all the stupid reasons from all the wussies out there. They think it’s a celebration of Satan’s birthday or something.

That is patently absurd. I’m not even going to get into the whole history of Halloween, because it would be boring and I don’t feel like doing the research.

Also, these same anti-Halloween forces have enacted a successful scheme to attack Halloween, and you probably didn’t even notice.

I speak of the foolish notion that the act of trick-or-treating does not fall on Halloween night!

Many towns force their young residents to go trick-or-treating on some pre-Halloween day, between designated hours that are early enough to see the sun still shining overhead.

Imagine if you told some X-mas lover that they were to celebrate said holiday the weekend before the actual day of X-mas. They would probably shoot you with one of their many guns, because they tend to be fanatical.

Yet, I am supposed to accept the bastardization of Halloween? No way, dude.

The end of X-mas is definitely something that cannot occur instantaneously. That is why I have decided to set in motion a plan that is so devious, yet so simple, that X-mas shall fall within my short lifetime!

I no longer celebrate nor acknowledge X-mas. Instead, I have made Halloween my annual gift-giving celebration.

On Oct. 1, my dwellings were covered with spooky decorations and miles of fake spider webs. I placed poorly-wrapped gifts underneath the Halloween tree for my immediate family.

I made an awesome Halloween card for anyone who deserves one. If I actually lived in a house where kids could go during their trick-or-treating excursion, I would hook them up with the holiest of Halloween candy – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

So far, it has all been immensely fun, unlike X-mas, and at the same time it has been a successful blow against the two months of terror that is X-mas.

Please enjoy this Halloween while it lasts, because on November 1, you will all be inundated with X-mas advertisements. I, on the other hand, will be hibernating until Jan. 1.

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