My New Year’s resolutions

Written by: Abigail Chaff

I never really cared enough to make New Year’s resolutions. What’s the point of pretending that I’m going to change, I figure, when I have that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’ll never follow through? So this year, I’m going to put out my resolutions to the world so that everyone can hold me accountable.

1. First and foremost, YOLO.

I will be taking a more philosophical approach to this idea. I think of YOLO as “You only live once, because then you die.” It doesn’t mean “Get crazy and party your life away.” It means that you only get one chance to get things right in this life. I can see the Big Man standing at the pearly gates and banishing me to the underworld. I will say “But…why? I lived my life the fullest.” And he will say: “…YOLO.”

2. I will stop making fun of people with lisps.

I know it’s mean. People with lisps can’t help it. It’s not like they choose to sound like a sprinkler. But for some reason, it really bothers me. It’s nails on a chalkboard to me. I keep looking at your mouth, trying to figure out exactly how it happens, but it remains a mystery. So this year, I vow to accept people with speech impediments and to refrain from judging them silently in my head.

3. I will quit smoking.

This has been a long-running resolution plan. Every year, it seems, I decide to quit — but then I quit quitting. It’s just more fun to smoke. And because of my former views on YOLO, I always said I’d wait until I got older to quit. I was recently told that a friend of a friend, who hasn’t smoked in 20 years, had been diagnosed with small-cell lung cancer, which can only be caused by smoking. That was enough to scare me straight. I am putting down the cancer stick and picking up a carrot, or something.

4. I will work out.

I really don’t like sweating in front of people. I’m one of those people who sweats on their face. I am also extremely unhealthy and out of shape for a 21-year-old (please see previous resolution).

My solution is to get an elliptical for Christmas. That way, I can sweat in my own house and not have to feel gross.

5. I will familiarize myself with the entire discography of Billy Joel.

BJ is one of the best songwriters of our generation, if not the best. His songs span decades and hold within their lyrics the secrets of the world. Learning all of his songs will make me a more interesting person at parties and will help me understand the history of the ‘70s, ‘80s and ‘90s.

6. I will stop being nice to people at my job.

I believe that everyone needs a bit of a wake up call, when it comes to retail etiquette. Just because I’m a sales associate who’s technically getting paid to be there does not give you the permission to treat me however you want.
Slavery was abolished, lest we forget.

Just because you want something does not mean that it will be on sale. So, in hopes of teaching people how to treat others, I will stop being nice, and I will treat people the exact same way that they treat me.

If you’re offended by my attitude, too bad: that’s just a nice big taste of your own medicine. This leads me to my next resolution.

7. I will donate at least my spare change to any organization that asks me.

Where I work, we ask people as we ring them out if they would like to donate to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. For those of you who don’t know, St. Jude’s treats any child, no matter their financial situation. This hospital is completely funded by donations. According to the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital website, it costs $1.8 million per day to run, and that money comes primarily from public donations.

When I ask if someone wants to round up their transaction total to the nearest dollar, time and time again people say no and refuse to donate even 30 cents. What harm is it, really, to give my spare change to the Salvation Army, or to give a dollar to St. Jude’s? Every penny adds up, and every penny could help someone in need. I will stop being stingy and do my part as a healthy human being.

8. I will not get road rage.

I mean, really, what’s the point? I know that the people I’m yelling at can’t really hear me, so why bother? When I wish their firstborns to burn in the fiery pits of hell and that their lower jaws fall off, the only thing I’m getting, I think, is bad karma. I vow to keep my blood pressure, and my middle finger, down.

So there it is. You can all hold me accountable for my actions. The New Year will bring with it a new me — that is, if we all make it past Dec. 21.