The Editorially Independent Voice of The University of Akron

The Buchtelite

The Editorially Independent Voice of The University of Akron

The Buchtelite

The Editorially Independent Voice of The University of Akron

The Buchtelite

“Traditional” Prom 2013

Nick Nussen

A group of students and adults in Sullivan, Ind. are crusading for a “traditional” high school prom that would prohibit homosexuals from attending. (I assume there will be a sentry equipped with some sort of “gaydar” device.)

The holy homophobes have been congregating at the Sullivan First Christian Church to discuss the segregated dance, which would not be sanctioned by the school or held on the school’s premises.

Let us imagine it is prom night 2013 at Sullivan High School. The clean-cut Christian boys and girls are chastely swaying their hips and snapping their fingers to the tasteful vocals of Ke$ha.

But there, lurking in the shadows, some perverse boy is dancing with another human possessing a Y chromosome.

“Look at them,” one of the appalled heterosexuals mutters to his decidedly female date. “How disgusting.”

He knows that “homos” are an abomination to the universe, that their relationships are as black as sin, whereas his is as pure as his girlfriend’s lily-white bosom.

He “grinds” on her with an impressive pelvic thrust to exhibit his divinely mandated prowess, hoping the “flamers” will watch and learn from a real man.

He is a real man, after all. Interviews with the mirror, and introspection and self-inspection, and his first fumbling inspections of the female body — late one night when his parents were sleeping and, he hopes, so was the ever-watchful Jesus — have convinced him of the fact.

(Except, once, in the locker room, he looked for too long [at least his friend said so] at something he shouldn’t have — but he was just glancing, and comparing, for the sake of curiosity.)

It is reassuring to know that his love for his girlfriend is “natural.” He knows, at the experienced age of 17, what love is and what it is not — and surely that, he thinks, looking at those queers, is not love.

But maybe the gays aren’t damned, he thinks (albeit reluctantly). God can save them, too — if only they would choose to be normal.

Diana Medley, a special education teacher in a neighboring school district, and one of the crusaders for the “traditional prom,” agrees. Listen closely, you voluntary gays, to what she had to say to reporter Paige Preusse from WTWO-TV News Channel 2 in Terre Haute, Ind.

“I believe that it was life circumstances and they chose to be that way; God created everyone equal,” she said.

When asked if she thought gays have a purpose in life, she responded: “No, I honestly don’t. Sorry, but I don’t. I don’t understand it. A gay person isn’t going to come up and make some change unless it’s to realize that it was a choice and they’re choosing God.”

After all, their gayness is offensive: “We don’t agree with it and it’s offensive to us,” she said.

It is worth repeating that this monster, only ostensibly a woman, educates and counsels children — little children who, grappling with difficult feelings, do not yet understand grammar let alone gays or God.

Sometimes these children walk into her office and ask for guidance, entrusting their most tender and private thoughts to this ogress, laying their very hearts on her lap. And her sage advice, I presume, is simple: Just quit being gay! If they stop being gay, they will no longer offend people like Diana Medley. For how dare they offend Diana Medley?

Can you imagine anything more horrible than allowing homosexuals to walk the streets of a civilized society, giving offense wherever they go? Can you imagine them holding hands at high school proms? No, such undesirables should be detained, quarantined, segregated!

How can we endure the sight of them, those homosexuals? What is worst is not that, in public, they are like chameleons and camouflage among us; or that, at work, they are able to hide their perversions from us; or that, in all other respects, they appear decent and human.

No, do not believe it! — it is enough to know that such loathsome creatures exist, and that, somewhere in
the rank and lewd bedrooms of their godless habitations, they are mingling in the most unholy and damnable ways.

Thus, those gathered at the Sullivan First Christian Church — the high school stud “with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality,” the sanctimonious pastor, and Medley, eyes aflame and tongue hissing, I would venture to guess, the citizens who still remember an earlier segregation, and whose ancestors, perhaps, donned white hoods in that proud state — all have decided it would be better to honor tradition with the “traditional prom.”

For, traditionally, in the good ol’ days, gays did not exist, of course. For some reason — probably the damned liberal media, and Woodstock, and San Francisco, and Satanism, and Gore Vidal, and “Will and Grace” (damn media!)- rebellious misfits suddenly decided to become gay. If only they would stop being gay and harassing traditional Americans; this gay thing is really putting a damper on high school proms.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All comments that are well-informed, civil and relevant to the story are welcome. To leave a comment, please provide your name and email address. The Editorial Board reserves to right to remove any comment that is submitted under false pretenses or includes personal attacks, libel, hate speech, profanity, spam or inaccurate/misleading information. All comments are screened and are generally approved unless they are found to be found in violation of these standards. Readers who notice comments that appear to violate these standards are encouraged to contact the Online Editor at [email protected].
All The Buchtelite Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *