A column about nothing, really

“Eight minutes into 30 Rock and I was ready to whip out my Seinfeld DVDs. Damn you, NBC. I’m such a sucker for gimmicks. Unfortunately, the first scene with Jerry Seinfeld in the elevator made me realize something. After Kenneth did the Seinfeld theme – which he nailed, by the way – Jerry rolled his eyes and went, Really? Oh God.”

Eight minutes into 30 Rock and I was ready to whip out my Seinfeld DVDs.

Damn you, NBC. I’m such a sucker for gimmicks.

Unfortunately, the first scene with Jerry Seinfeld in the elevator made me realize something.

After Kenneth did the Seinfeld theme – which he nailed, by the way – Jerry rolled his eyes and went, Really?

Oh God. He means me.

However, all in all, he was good, real good. I then spent the weekend watching Seinfeld, seasons one through seven. Thanks, NBC.

During a break from Seinfeld, I watched Pushing Daisies, which I TiVoed. I can tell you this: This is a show meant to be seen on a big-screen plasma high-def TV.

One thing annoyed me about it, though. It reminded me of Desperate Housewives, in its visual effects, narration and overall cutesy-ness. Daisies is better, though. It’s a keeper.

Speaking of pushing daisies, shouldn’t Bob Barker be dead by now?

This guy is what? Ninety? Sheesh.

I know this much: He’s not too old to be sued again for sexual harassment. That’s fantastic.

I could never figure out why this schmuck has a cult following. What self-respecting woman could like him? He’s a misogynist.

There, I said it. Bring on the hate mail.

In further male chauvinist news, Warner Brothers exec Jeff Robinov recently announced that the company would not make movies with women in lead roles.

He’s upset that Jodie Foster and Nicole Kidman couldn’t pull off smash successes recently, so he’s declaring a moratorium.

Speaking of moratorium, I have officially sworn off SNL. Even though Seth Rogen hosted last week, it was barely watchable.

The only bit worth watching, outside of Weekend Update, was the one about the marijuana-farming colonist.

Trust me. Give up now. It’s only going to get worse.

I didn’t think that the Hoff could get any worse, but he has. He recently relapsed in a major way. He was hospitalized, reportedly for alcohol intoxication.

Hopefully that doesn’t create any problems for the shooting of his new film, Anaconda 3. No, really.

In other health news, Bobby Brown, better known as Mr. Whitney Houston, had a heart attack Tuesday. Word has it, it was mild and Brown is expected to recover fully in time to perform Saturday.

Whew.

Now, onto your weekly skank update.

Lindsay Lohan has a new man! In her brightest moment ever, the tabloid queen hooked up with her beau in … rehab. Oh yeah, that’s sure to work out.

Pam Anderson, you have jumped the shark.

She has married again, this time to a guy she dated for all of three minutes.

The lucky guy? Paris Hilton castoff, Rick Salomon.

If that name sounds familiar, it’s because he co-starred in One Night in Paris.

And they mean one night in Paris quite literally.