Outsiders' Opinion: Does heavy metal music suck?

“To me, music should evoke some kind of emotion or feeling. Saying you like something is neither of those because it lacks reason. Ask someone why they like metal music. Odds are, they will merely say something like, Because it’s good. Very rarely, they’ll say, Because it makes me angry.”

To me, music should evoke some kind of emotion or feeling. Saying you like something is neither of those because it lacks reason.

Ask someone why they like metal music. Odds are, they will merely say something like, Because it’s good. Very rarely, they’ll say, Because it makes me angry. Seldom will they speak of the merits of metal music because there are few.

The general intention of the music seems to be to make people angry, which is dumb. This is why metal music isn’t good music.

Some people, usually wannabe metal guitarists, will talk about the greatness of the guitar playing. I’m no guitar wizard, but playing a bunch of different notes as fast as you can does not equal quality axmanship. That is why Eddie Van Halen hasn’t mattered since 1986.

There is so much metal music, though, because its incredibly easy to make for anyone with a modicum of musical ability.

Generally, metal music consists of speed guitar playing, a drummer who is encircled by his massive kit and a singer who writes lyrics so bad they have to sing them in such a way that they’re unintelligible.

Basically, if you would like the same effect, do the following: Grab a handful of blunt objects, like your iPod, a cellular phone, the keys to your house and a knife. Turn on your garbage disposal and throw the items in. Then, for the vocals, find a cow and kick it in the stomach multiple times. Make sure to record all of this so you can mix it together into an album.

Now, on to naming your band, which is crucial. It has to be something ridiculous and include either the words death or black. Combine one of those with a violent-sounding adjective and a word of your choice. Check out these great names:

– Gruesome Black Tanzanite
– Horrific Death Squeegee
– Pugnacious Black Scorpion
– Explosive Death Grandma

With names like that, you’ll be opening Ozzfest dates in no time.

You know who loves metal? The devil, at least according to Tenacious D. No one should want to be partners in thought with Beelzebub.