Celebrity Corner

“Remember when Al Gore won an Academy Award for An Inconvenient Truth, that documentary about the increasing problem with global warming? It was obviously a lie. If global warming were real, then we would not be bundled up in jackets and hats when two days ago we were wearing flip-flops.”

Remember when Al Gore won an Academy Award for An Inconvenient Truth, that documentary about the increasing problem with global warming?

It was obviously a lie.

If global warming were real, then we would not be bundled up in jackets and hats when two days ago we were wearing flip-flops. We would be soaking up the sun through the weekend if this whole conspiracy to save the environment was real. So go on driving your gas-hogging SUVs, throw away plastic bottles and waste electricity because this global warming thing is a sham!

Biggest Winner: American Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar. For weeks now, I have heard complaint after complaint about this kid not being kicked off the show. People ask, What is it? Is it a conspiracy by FOX to keep viewers watching? Or do people really like this mohawk-sporting, whiny singer?

Well, the answer lies entirely in another controversial person: Howard Stern. Stern has launched a campaign on his radio program to keep people voting for Malakar. With 6 million people subscribing to Sirius satellite radio since Stern’s move there, his influence is pretty powerful.

And why not? No one else on the show has much personality. And truly, with more Americans voting in American Idol than in elections, it seems Stern is taking over America.

Biggest Loser: 7th Heaven. Or maybe this should actually be a winner, because the show is finally going to end in May. Remember when you were in seventh grade, and this show was the coolest thing ever? I do too, but then I grew up and realized that every problem, from drug dealers to anorexia, can’t be solved with soothing music and a hug. I will be glad to see this lame show go.

Most Typical Celebrity: Keith Richards. If you can call this at all typical. Richards told a British magazine that he mixed his father’s ashes with cocaine and snorted them. After publications all over the world picked it up, his manager said it was just a joke, and she couldn’t believe that people took it seriously. I like to joke about guys walking into bars and the difference between snowmen and snowwomen (snowballs!). But whatever. Snorting your dad’s ashes is a good joke too.

Lamest Reality Show: Dancing with the Stars. This show is a joke. I won’t even touch the fact that these aren’t real celebrities. But it’s not even based on talent! Looking at this year’s contestants. There were two stars that many people had never heard of. And guess who were the first two voted off? This show is just like high school, but with better costumes.

Dreams Smashed: My high school classmate, Ashley Spencer, was one of the final two on NBC’s Grease: You’re the One that I Want! But my dreams of knowing a famous person were smashed when they chose the contestant with the better back story. Her boyfriend pushed back their wedding so she could be on the show, while Spencer was just another Ohio girl following her dreams. Plus, the winner is a brunette, and Sandy should be blonde. Honestly, America can’t be trusted to pick a president or the next Broadway star.