“Despite having graduated last May, I am back for a higher education degree and you’re in for a backhand slap of opinions so hard it’ll knock the taste out of your mouth. For those of you who remember me, hopefully I can live up to the love, hate or indifference you have for me.”
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Despite having graduated last May, I am back for a higher education degree and you’re in for a backhand slap of opinions so hard it’ll knock the taste out of your mouth.

For those of you who remember me, hopefully I can live up to the love, hate or indifference you have for me. For those who don’t know me, well, hopefully I can generate one of those three categories for you.

What has happened to cartoons?

Seriously, what has happened?

I think the majority of us remember the awesomeness that was Saturday morning and the after-school timeslot that included all those bad-ass Disney cartoons.

Recall the withdrawal you suffered at school jonesing for your daily dose of Animaniacs, Batman, G.I. Joe, Duck Tales, Tail Spin, Ren and Stimpy, Rocco’s Modern Life and the king of them all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Those shows were the equivalent of the love child spawned by the ebola virus and heavy metal: They kicked that much ass.

We also can’t forget the classics, Loony Tunes, Tom and Jerry, Droopy, The Smurfs, Gummy Bears and Scooby Doo.

Has anyone seen the stuff for kids today? I don’t even understand what’s going on.

All this anime stuff makes no sense. The plot lines are impossible to follow and every male character looks like either a frail old man who constantly ogles young girls or some spike-haired kid who talks way too fast and is usually either half-animal or some kind of robot or some crap. The female characters are either dressed as school girls or are huge-breasted sluts.

The fight scenes always seem to be the same – freeze frames of the character flying through the air with the background looking like the wet dream of a kid on ecstacy.

Don’t think I’m out to get the Japanese. They once put out awesome cartoons, but back then, they weren’t called anime, it was Japanimation. Cartoons like Robotech and Voltron were simply awesome and easy to follow. I guess the Japanese decided to do the same thing to their cartoons as they did to Nintendo: make it as crappy as possible.

The stuff coming out of the United States isn’t any good either: Kim Possible, Codename: Kids Next Door, Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Ed, Edd and Eddy and countless more.

They all suck and feel mass-produced; it’s either some kind of kid who is a ninja or secret agent, or just some fart and poop humor nonsense.

Not just that, the toys blow. I wouldn’t trade my most worthless ninja turtle action figure (April O’Neil) for every Pokemon toy ever made.

I swear, my kids will only be allowed to watch PBS.

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