Fall T.V. Preview

“Amid the foliage saturated with the hues of the fall palate, another wind of change begins to blow. The summer months of repeats and syndicated mediocrity is over. Rejoice, for television’s Fall Preview is here! There are more than a handful of new shows to view this season as we search for a break from our tedious studies.”

Amid the foliage saturated with the hues of the fall palate, another wind of change begins to blow. The summer months of repeats and syndicated mediocrity is over. Rejoice, for television’s Fall Preview is here!

There are more than a handful of new shows to view this season as we search for a break from our tedious studies. But I will caution you. The series worth watching come few and far between and with more than 30 new shows to choose from, one needs proper guidance in selecting a TiVo-worthy program. But fear not readers, for I have so meticulously organized a list that may help in your demanding decision-making process by compiling a Best/Worst list for your eyes to feast upon. Here are the worst.

10. Cane (CBS, Tuesdays 10 p.m.) – One of the keys to convincing me to tune in to a new series is originality. Cane follows a Cuban-American family caught up in the business of sugar and rum. But shady deals are to be had in the sugar industry and the patriarch is faced with a difficult decision. Face the deal, realizing the full potential of the sugar industry, or focus solely on rum and sell out of the sugar industry altogether. Mix in a little family drama of an over-sexed impulsive son, sibling rivalry and the challenges of growing up a Hispanic American in South Florida. Sound like it’s been done before? It probably has. Even Jimmy Smits can’t save this run-of-the-mill drama from cancellation.

9. Private Practice (ABC, Wednesdays 9 p.m.) – Addison Forbes Montgomery has left Seattle in her rearview mirror and she’s headed for sand, sun, sex and scalpels in the City of Angels. Teaming up with colleagues from med school, Addison enters a whole new world of hysterics and heartbreaks with a fresh-faced cast of characters, all of whom have their own facades of quirks and confidence. Grey’s gets a little sunnier in L.A. but the drama drags on. Leave this one for the die-hard Grey’s fanatics.

8. Bionic Woman (NBC, Wednesdays 9 p.m.) – Jaime Sommers wanted a normal life. What she got was a car accident that left her inches from death. But thank God for the cutting edge technology of robotics. Reconstructed and with another shot at a better life, Sommers must struggle against the debt of these repairs and the new life she has to endure. It is Iron Man meets … well, every other woman v. society story ever told. Need something a little more life-like? I thought so.

7. Kitchen Nightmares (Fox, Wednesdays 9 p.m.) – What is there to say about Chef Ramsay. He’s cruel. He’s over-dramatic. He’s great with a soufflé. But I don’t think that’s a valid reason to give him a second show. For this main course, Ramsay must travel the nation, spicing up restaurants on the brink of expiration. With a crumble of crass and a pinch of asinine humiliation of his contestants, Ramsay spoils the fun with food for Hell’s Kitchen on wheels.

6. Carpoolers (ABC, Tuesdays 8:30 p.m.) – While I earnestly want to believe this could be a comic gem, the premise concerns me. Four men, all attempting to live out their American dream in Suburbia, open up about their fears and their dreams while heading to work. It sounds like a great start to an extended Sonic ad; but to think of that story not only being stretched to a half hour of comedy … for an entire season … I shudder to think of where the conversations may head.

5. Big Bang Theory (CBS, Mondays 8:30 p.m.) РApparently no one got my memo on originality. First Beauty and the Geek, now this. Two geeks, with two very stereotypical names, Leonard and Sheldon, are your run-of-the-mill nerds. They know their physics. They know their math. Not so hot in anatomy. Enter their incredibly attractive and fresh-out-of-a-relationship neighbor and you have your clich̩d Ugly Duckling-Swan transformation in the form of a cheesy, overdone sitcom.

4. Cashmere Mafia (ABC, Tuesdays 9 p.m.) – Have you seen Sex in the City? Check. Indulged yourself in a little Desperate Housewives? Check. Then don’t bother with this recycled take on the modern American woman. It’s just a mediocre collection of shoes and scandal in the world of menopause and menstruation. And to you, Lucy Liu, you had a great thing going for you.

3. Anchorwoman (Fox, On-Demand) – What does it say for your television show when it doesn’t even make it to its premiere night before getting booted? In this show, deemed worthy only of an On-Demand position, Anchorwoman flopped after its first few episodes last month. Just imagine it. Former Miss New York and WWE buxom beauty Lauren Jones is dressed like a whore and delivering the updates on the Iraq War. Sorry, but T&A doesn’t distract even the most avid news watchers from being appalled.

2. Moonlight (CBS, Fridays 9 p.m.) – Apparently the abysmal Van Helsing wasn’t enough to turn off every producer of a vampire-driven plot. Mick St. John is a vampire. He’s also a private investigator. He uses his supernatural abilities to help the living, rather than just feasting on their jugulars. Nice guy, eh? But after reconnecting with a girl who he saved just a year ago, feelings begin to pulsate from within. Somewhere between fighting his foes and falling madly in love, Mick has to decide which will leave him with a greater stake in his heart. I have a feeling that after this pilot, I’ll want the same fate.

1. Cavemen (ABC, Tuesdays 8 p.m.) – Why? What the dickens were the studio producers thinking when they signed on for this?

I would accept absolutely no excuse for thinking this was a good idea. Three cavemen have made the move from prehistory into San Diego. They’ve successfully hidden their secret societies that have survived the millennia until now. Their challenge: acclimate themselves into this day and age and defeat their delusions of modern homo sapiens and the stigmas they possess. Someone please just drop a stone of epic proportions onto my head. I’m betting this one’ll be history in no time at all.

Stay tuned for Part II: Best new shows next week.