“Ms. DoRight, My friend kicked me out of her wedding party because she thought I was too fat to be a bridesmaid. I might be a little plump, but not fat by any means. I think this is really rude of her, but she still invited me to the wedding. The other bridesmaids said that I should not go to the wedding because of this, but I’m not sure.”
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Ms. DoRight,

My friend kicked me out of her wedding party because she thought I was too fat to be a bridesmaid.

I might be a little plump, but not fat by any means. I think this is really rude of her, but she still invited me to the wedding.

The other bridesmaids said that I should not go to the wedding because of this, but I’m not sure.

What do you suggest?

Thanks,

Ex-bridesmaid

Ex,

I think you should definitely not go to the wedding.

She probably only invited you because she thinks you already bought her a present.

If you did, take it back.

Kicking someone out of your wedding, for any reason, is an unfriendly thing to do.

Kicking one of your friends out for being fat is just plain wrong.

If you do decide to go to the wedding, you can get back at the bride in a few ways.

First and foremost, you could sing here comes the bride, fair, fat and wide.

Second, you could starve yourself from now until the wedding.

By wedding day, you would be almost dead, but probably skinnier than the bride.

This will make her jealous for sure. It might even make her cry.

If you don’t feel like starving yourself (and you shouldn’t, because that’s a foolish thing to do), go to the wedding and act like the fat bridesmaid she said you were.

During the ceremony, try to royally mess up her wedding.

You know how there’s always that person at the movie theater who crinkles their chip bag and chomps on their popcorn?

Be that person, but in a church.

Bring chips, cans of pop, maybe some suckers. Have a stinking picnic at her wedding.

When the bride asks about it later, tell her that the fat comment was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tell her you cannot stop eating, no matter what you do.

At the reception, eat no less than 10 plates of food. Claim that it is now a medical condition.

If the bride throws the bouquet, do everything in your power to catch it.

Punch another bridesmaid if necessary.

When you catch it, eat it in one big bite.

In order to have the final say, this is what needs to happen.

When they cut the cake, take the first bite.

And then finish off the cake.

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