Zoo lovin' not for everyone

“Ms. DoRight, My boyfriend has decided on a Valentine’s Day event, and it’s sweet how much effort he has put into it, but I’m not really sure how to handle this. The thing is, he wants us to go to dinner, and then to the Akron Zoo for their Valentine’s Day exhibit, which is adults only.”

Ms. DoRight,

My boyfriend has decided on a Valentine’s Day event, and it’s sweet how much effort he has put into it, but I’m not really sure how to handle this. The thing is, he wants us to go to dinner, and then to the Akron Zoo for their Valentine’s Day exhibit, which is adults only. The reason for this is because apes will be mating, and viewers are invited to watch. My boyfriend thinks this is super romantic, and I don’t want him to feel bad, so I want to pretend to like it. How exactly do I handle this?

Thank you,

Animal Love

Animal Love,

Valentine’s Day is a day of love, chocolate, gaudy jewelry, and hallmark-type events. In your case, Valentine’s Day is about dinner and ape sex.

In some ways, you should consider yourself lucky. At least your boyfriend is trying to be creative. Some boyfriends think skimpy lingerie and stuffed animals send the ultimate romantic message. Your boyfriend, though, understands that there is something slightly more romantic in primal matters.

If you are having a hard time accepting your boyfriend’s romantic gesture, but don’t want to upset him, there is nothing else to do but grin and bear it. Having to fake an emotion you don’t feel is difficult and is usually rather noticeable.

Even more difficult, I would imagine, is faking an interest, and maybe even a delight, in apes fornicating. In this case, the dim lighting at the zoo will work in your favor.

Really, though, I’m not sure what you have against animals having sex. This is a natural part of life, and simply put, we wouldn’t exist without it.

There are certainly worse things your boyfriend could do on Valentine’s Day. He could rent pornographic movies for the two of you to watch. Instead, you get to watch the real thing.

If, for some reason, you are put off by this event, the only thing you can do to get through it unscathed is to watch what you eat at dinner. Try not to eat something that would taste awful coming back up.

After the event, make sure to convey to your boyfriend that you would rather have people sex than animal sex.