Written by: Helen Dauka

In a city away from your hometown, things seem to be going smoothly. You feel confident, happy and independent. So why, during every holiday season, does it seem like my portfolio, which I’ve spent the last four years beefing up, gets thrown out the window in exchange for a checklist deemed worthy of attention by all of my relatives? On the road trip from Akron to Ruraltown, U.S.A., when did the priorities that make up the checklist for our lives change so much?

Here’s a checklist for you to look over and to prepare yourself with as the holidays approach. Get ready for the brutal Q&A. Keep tally as you go: one check for every time you get asked a question, two checks if you’ve been asked the same question more than once by the same relative. The winner gets either thicker skin or lower self-esteem.

1. “Are you seeing anyone?” followed by “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone!”

Thank you for having faith in me. I was starting to think that things were looking pretty bleak. Weren’t you just saying last Thanksgiving how young I was, and telling me not to settle down, and to have fun? Do you hear some clock ticking that I don’t?

2. “Did you graduate yet?”

No, but when I do, will you remember anyway, or will I be answering this same question when I own my own law firm?

3. “What’s your major?” followed by “What kind of job can you get with that?”

I’m not sure that you understand what my major is, because I’ve already explained it to you multiple times, and I can tell that you’re just nodding your head like you get it. So obviously you won’t understand what kind of job I’m looking for. (Do I really know what job I’m looking for? Answer: No.)

4. “Have you talked with (insert name of middle-school friend)?”

Do you mean my best friend from sixth grade? No, I haven’t talked to her, or the rest of my homeroom class since…probably sixth grade.

5. “Do you remember (insert old boyfriend/girlfriend)?” followed by “He/she is married with three kids!”

Are people… actually turning into adults? Like, that’s just what we’re doing nowadays? Good to know.

6. “I can’t believe how big you’ve gotten since the last time I saw you!”

Just peachy. That stopped being cute when I was six.

Yours truly,

Girl About Campus