Helen Dauka

With Valentine’s Day swiftly approaching, it’s only natural for the cynics and romantics living inside us all to start waging a vicious war.

Does the commercial saturation of jewelry commercials eat at your soul, or are you waiting for your own little black box to be popped open in front of you?

Are you among those saying Feb. 14 is just another Hallmark Holiday made for the benefit of retailers?
Yes, it’s true: People are out to make a buck. But what’s so wrong with having a day to celebrate love? I don’t need anyone to buy me chocolates and flowers and cards. However, I can’t say that I don’t feel this pang in my heart that makes me wish I had someone to say, “No, I don’t need any of that material trash.”

That stupid pang is the same irksome feeling that has sent me on so many journeys for my diamond in the rough. It’s not obvious that they’re prince charming, so you give them a shot anyway. Some guys have the ability of undergoing a complete frog-to-prince transformation. It might be because they got new clothes, new hair or less acne, but it happens.

There are dates I’ve went on where I should have known the boy was trouble. Not like in a Taylor Swift kind of way. More like in a, “I put make-up on for this?” kind of way or, “This person is so socially awkward, he might be a sociopath and kill me,” kind of way.

If you’re feeling a tug at your heartstrings commonly caused by Valentine’s Day and go searching for your prince or diamond (whichever metaphor you prefer), heed my advice. Allow me to illustrate some key points for spotting a bad date in the making while simultaneously telling you about the worst date I’ve ever been on.

He disrespects your time.
I can let five minutes slide, maybe 10. If you’re any later than that, you’ve got some explaining to do. I waited an hour for this train wreck of a date to start. The plan was to meet at an ice skating rink to watch a hockey game. The building had two rinks: one for hockey games and one for ice-skating. So when my date said he would be late, but gave no mention to how long that would be, I tried to make the best of the situation. It was still early and I was optimistic, so I went ice-skating.

He brings his work with him.
This phrase is usually used metaphorically, meaning that the person is either still thinking or talking about work, even when not at work. My date was unfortunately the literal interpretation. Thinking he would double dip work and play, he brought along with him a camera to take photos at the game (he was a photographer). That meant that we could “get better shots” standing by the Plexiglass separating wall than sitting in the bleachers.

He doesn’t respect your ideas.
This is important to any kind of relationship you’re in.
I had several ideas for movies we could have rented but felt very strongly against one movie. We somehow ended up watching that one movie despite my very obvious cues that it wasn’t my cup of tea.

He doesn’t care about cleanliness.
If you can’t pretend to be a clean person for one date, I would hate to see the small amount of effort exerted into your everyday life. If you’re not going to clean up random food splatters off the linoleum, please try to recognize that this is a gross characteristic of a house. On top of being dirty, this date happened three weeks after Halloween, but this house still looked like it was a professional haunted house.

I realize I sound insane for staying on this date from the get-go, but sometimes you gotta do it for the story. I would never recommend subjecting yourself to this type of torture, but I think the morals are pretty applicable for people who go on normal dates. My condolences for those who have gone on dates worse than this because I know it happens.

Will you be my Valentine?