Starbucks Considers Sponsoring Republican Candidates

by: Russ Friend

Politics, like the definition of a Santorum, is a filthy and sometimes frothy business. I heard recently that Starbucks, in a shrewd move that’s sure to please conservatives, has considered sponsoring a number of Republican presidential candidates with their own brands of frothy fun. For Rick Santorum, that Mighty Mouse of conservative ideals, Starbucks thought of going with their quintessential, non offensive, conservative drink, the Caffè Latte. But a quick Google search revealed that he is most definitely the perfect Caffè Mocha candidate. He epitomizes the mocha experience. Not being one to let a good thing slip away, Starbucks quickly followed up with an offer to sponsor Ron Paul with their delicious White Chocolate Mocha. This seemed less offensive to his constituents, and the publishers of his newsletters.

It’s a well known fact that Mitt Romney is quite possibly not human. That perfect hair, inflexible face, and lack of a discernable pulse lead many to believe that he’s really a reptilian humanoid. While some of these claims cannot be confirmed, his voting record can. In honor of Mitt’s voting record Starbucks decided to create the perfect drink in his honor: the Flippoccino. Unfortunately, Starbuck’s research department kept flip-flopping on the ingredients, and were forced to shelf the idea. Instead they went with their backup plan, their succulent Caffè Misto. Starbucks executives must get just as misty eyed as I do every time I hear Romney’s unchanging stump speech, or his commitment to reading the same two books for years at a time.

The next time you stop by your local Starbucks please take a moment to consider supporting them in their efforts to bring frothy fun back into politics.