Abigail Chaff

With spring break just around the corner, you may be making plans to have a totally awesome time somewhere warm
and sandy.

There are many hazards one must avoid while spring breaking. First of all, try to avoid incarceration. A little tip is to keep around $500 hidden somewhere in your hotel room in case of emergency. Usually bail can be posted for around that price.

I say, “hide,” because often strange people get brought into a hotel room, and you wouldn’t want someone stealing your lifeline. Just don’t forget to pull it out from under the mattress when you leave — that is, of course, as long as you avoided the clink.

Tip number two: Do not pass out on the beach. It seems like a really great idea, but trust me — don’t do it. Sometimes that morning beer pong of champions breakfast hits you too early and you lie down just to close your eyes for a minute.

The next thing you know, you’ll be waking up around five and your skin will be on fire. Make no mistake, your friends will leave you there. They may try once or twice to wake you up, but if it doesn’t work, they’ll be walking the boardwalk without you.

The sunburn you will have to nurse for the rest of your trip will haunt you for years to come. Once, I fell asleep and woke up with blisters on one half of my face. To this day, that side of my face burns faster than any other place on my body. To my credit, that night I did meet this beautiful man named Mateo and he whispered sweet Spanish lullabies in my ear.

It goes without saying that leaving valuables at home is smart. See previous rule for an example of why. You think that iPod next to you on the beach will be there five hours later? Not likely. It’s good to keep your personal belongings with you, but seriously try to remember to take them out of your pocket when frolicking freely into the ocean.

So many phones have been ruined by pure spring break delight. At least one person you go on vacation with will lose their phone this way; I guarantee it.

I know you all think you’re real hard when you cruise around bumping some Lil’ Wayne, but be warned: You can get pulled over. Most of the time while driving somewhere on vacation you have enjoyed a few libations throughout the day, and that doesn’t always work out too well with police. You can get pulled over and ticketed if your stereo is too loud. I’m not condoning drinking and driving, I’m just saying you should limit your interactions with the police as much as possible. There’s nothing more maddening than getting a ticket for your music being too loud on top of a DUI in a state you don’t live in.

Speaking of DUI’s, children, please don’t get out of your car. You have the right to refuse any sobriety test the police ask you. It’s not your fault you twisted your ankle on the beach that day and cannot get out of the car to walk the line.

Refusing to take a Breathalyzer will result in a six month to a year’s license suspension, but you won’t have a DUI on your record. Once again friends, the best way to avoid a DUI is not drinking and driving. Abstinence made Jesus.

Now ladies, please stay in a pack. As soon as one strays from the herd, they become Natalie Holloway. Be sure that someone knows where you are going, and for God’s sake, take at least one person with you. I know that guy with the tribal tattoo playing volleyball was really cute, but he will date rape you.

Your drink is your buddy. The buddy system means holding hands with your buddy so they don’t get lost. You wouldn’t leave your buddy, so don’t get roofied.

I suppose the next logical step is to move on to consensual relations. In case you are worried about how clean that girl on the beach was, don’t worry. You can just get on the Internet and search for their STD’s. www.Qpid.me gives an online report of someone’s dirty secrets.

I know what you’re thinking: What an invasion of privacy! But don’t worry, you have to give permission for your information to be posted. So obviously there is no way someone would lie, or even make a false report. All I’m saying is you never can be too sure. In the words of Tupac, “Either a nigga wear a rubber or he die smoking.”

Now I will leave you with a few enlightening quotes from Qpid.me:

-26 percent of males and 36 percent of females failed to use a condom during sex with someone they met on spring break.

-50 percent of the males and 41 percent of the females reported having consumed alcohol just prior to sex.

-74 percent of males and nearly 88 percent of females reported never or rarely worrying about STDs/HIV, even though they were at risk.