A RECIPE FOR HORROR

“Do you find that crazed serial killers are constantly chasing after you? If so, odds are that you have already experienced first-hand this list of horror movie must-haves. If your life has been devoid of knife-wielding nut jobs and you have to get your thrills through cinema, you might have noticed that most horror movies have a staggering amount of things in common.”

Do you find that crazed serial killers are constantly chasing after you? If so, odds are that you have already experienced first-hand this list of horror movie must-haves. If your life has been devoid of knife-wielding nut jobs and you have to get your thrills through cinema, you might have noticed that most horror movies have a staggering amount of things in common.

There is a formula to making a decent horror movie, almost like a recipe. A dash of supernatural powers here, a pinch of horny teenagers there, cook for slightly under an hour and a half and you have the makings of a semi-successful box office release.

Here are the 10 horror movie must-haves.

1. Teens and their pre-marital relations.

Could there be an easier target for a deranged killer than two kids going at it? Most likely, these kids snuck out and no one knows where they are to begin with, whether it be in an abandoned house or in a sleeping bag by a lake. The teens are going to fornicate. They could just save the killer time and paint big bull’s-eyes on their backs.

2. Killers and their blades.

Freddy had the glove with blade fingers, Jason had a machete and countless villains use kitchen knives. Firearms are out of fashion when it comes to horror movies. Despite the ease of just gunning down their victims from a comfortable distance, killers would rather get splashed in blood. Although, this might be a source of their …

3. Supernatural powers, sort of.

It sure is convenient that these killers are next to impossible to stop. Hit them with a car, blow them up, shoot them 20 times and they keep coming back for more. They are always lurking around the next corner. Just once, can’t a scene involve one of these killers sitting in a car, staring at a road map and swearing under his breath because he is lost?

4. Creepy music in the air.

Every killer needs a theme song. Now if only they would start carrying boom boxes so their victims would know that they are about to do something dumb and get killed. Not that it would matter.

5. Hit the lights!

Going in a dark room? Don’t bother looking for a light switch, just yell loudly so everyone knows where you are.

6. Mysterious noise? Better check it out alone.

Your best friend is in finely cut pieces in the living room. You just watched your neighbor get impaled with a machete. You had better go investigate that noise that came from upstairs. If there is one thing that will throw the killer off, it’s backing your self into a dark corner with no place to go.

7. Police are for people without problems.

So you managed to escape your soon-to-be killer. Go to the police, right? Wrong. Most likely, your town only has about four officers, and they will all decide to do the same thing. Split up and search for the killer. Working in groups is for chumps.

8. Test the definition of insanity.

You shot him 19 times and he is still walking? Keep shooting, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is obviously the best course of action.

9. Make the audience think.

Your movie is about over, it’s time for the all-important plot twist. No wonder he wants to kill you. The killer is actually you from the future and wants to prevent you from becoming him. Plot twist!

10. Adults need not apply.

You’re over 30 years old and have no connection with the person being chased? You’ll be fine. Just sit in your house and ignore all the screaming and death like the rest of the neighborhood. The police won’t question why you didn’t help, they’ll all be dead from their ingenious split up and search game plan.

There you have it, 10 ingredients to make a horror movie. If you really want to be original, end the movie with a cliffhanger. Sequels to horror movies are unheard of.